The Beginning....Welcom

My Gay Ex Husband and his Gay Husband have decided I should start a blog because my facebook posts are entertaining. Well, they suggested a blog or writing courses. Duh. Have fun dancing around inside of my thoughts and feelings. I have no idea the direction this will go in, at all. The posts prior to this one are all mine, I started this blog a while ago...

Chapter One

• As Yet, Untitled:
  
  Is there such a thing as "once upon a time"? 
  Fairy tales. 
  Nothing more or less than bullshit fluff fed to little girls only to make them feel so much less than as they age. A white horse? A regal man who fights for a girl he's never even met? What a bunch of fucked up lies we're told from the day we're born. To say I'm disgusted and disappointed is putting it mildly.
  Somehow I managed to have a mother who didn't feed me a bunch of lies and bullshit about love and life and how to manage getting through it all. She had no answers. She only had her own truths. Her own failures. Her own heartbreak. The reality of it all. How truly fucked up it is.
  Fuck the white horse. 
  Fuck the nonsense of thinking someone is going to come along, swoop you up, take you for everything you are, and EVERYTHING you're not, and still want to rescue you. 
  My mom figured out that being rescued isn't the answer. 
  She taught me this. 
  Sometimes I blame her for the reality of my love life. Or, the lack of any love life. 
  She told me that I didn't need ANYONE to define me. Nobody could rescue me. Not even me. She made sure I understood that I was at noones beck and call. I was nobodys consolation prize. NOBODYS AFTERTHOUGHT. She always made me believe that EVERY woman was worth so much more than being a servant. A sex toy. A cook. A maid. An incubator only alive to provide a man with validation of his "manhood" by providing children.
  Yep. I definitely blame her for the fact that I'm 38 and still single.
  Something about me always makes them leave.
  Or is it that they just aren't man enough to stick it out?
  I genuinely believe it's a 50/50 split. Right down the middle.
  I am no prize.
  
  *
  I am of the acceptance (or defense) that I am not meant for the "happily ever after". I accept that this is a fact even if I somehow end up growing old with someone. The true feeling of "happy" doesn't really exist in my world. As there is black for white, yin for yang, stop for go...happy NEVER comes without a price. Never.
  Ever.
  Sure sure, I'm having a pity party. Poor, poor, me. Well, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for looking down your nose at me for my self pity. It's MY life. My disappointments. MY fight with God. MINE! Just because you never invite anyone to your pity party doesn't mean you aren't having one daily. Noone is immune.
  At least I'm honest about it.
  Is it wrong of me to think that I am not meant for that happiness? Am I just making a very, very sad attempt at self preservation? Or, am I on to something? Have I actually figured it out? My purpose? My path in this lifetime. What I'm here to do. What I'm here NOT to do? Maybe I've ticked off the Universe because I actually get it and I'm not going to put up a fight. Maybe my indifference to this whole thing is fucking up some sort of cosmic plan. 
  
  
  I'd love to know that my actions, or lack thereof, has somehow fucked up all sorts of shit that was "meant" to go down.
  
  ***
  
  Fuck those people.
  Walking around all stupid and happy.
  Oh, what I'd give to be one of them.
  I never have been.
  Not one day in this lifetime.
  Fuck them.
  These pieces of shit that take up space, energy, water, air, MY time. If they had even the slightest glimpse of what I know, what I see...
  they'd jump.
  Fucking wastes.
  They'd jump in a fucking second.
  I'm disgusted on a daily basis at my surroundings.
  Sure, I'm depressed.
  Yup, I'm all kinds of fucked up. Even more so than I EVER imagined. But, at least I know it. I almost wear it proudly.
  But, these stupid fucks. These fucking ugly, fake, empty people that I have to see every day...they're too stupid to even remotely acknowledge the ground upon which they walk, much less actually take a look in the mirror and see who they REALLY are.
  Fucking stupid happy people.
  I hate them.
  All of them.
  
  I wish for just one day, they'd all just sink into the abyss of reality. See how miserable they really are. Become one with the dark cloud that hovers over them. HATE themselves as much as I HATE them.
  
  And I do.
  
  Fuck them.
  
  Non deserving, selfish, stupid fucking happy people.
  
  Ugh.
  
  Just fuck off and go away.
  
  Leave this existence to us.
  
  The sad. The tortured. The angry. The abused. The lonely. The misfits. The poets. The lost. Those of us who haven't figured out why it is this way for us. Those of us who will never stop fighting for the answer. Those of us who know that the answer we seek, in truth will only make it worse.
  
  
  Let US take charge!!
  
  I guarantee all the drones out there would see colors they never dreamed. They'd see the ugly truth, but then they'd have to see every beautiful lie as well. We'd decorate the world in the most beautiful reality. Fear would not exist. Insecurity would be only a word we studied, but never truly understood. Jealousy, envy, greed, hate...Nobody would hide from it. We'd wear our shit like jewelry.
  We'd stab you in the front while handing you a martini on a warm, white, sandy beach.
  Because that's OUR reality.
  Dark and Light.
  Love and Hate.
  
  But you stupid, happy, fucks couldn't handle that. No bathroom to run and hide in. No amount of drug or alcohol to mask it. Run run run...right back into that brick wall...try as you might to avoid it...run run run...you'll never outrun that brick wall.
  This is OUR truth.
  This is the reality going on all around you. 
  This is how we live and how we breathe and how we function....
  living in a world only WE can truly see.
  And no matter what we do, what we try, how we distract, or who we educate...
  NOTHING MAKES IT GO AWAY.
  
  
  As there is light for you.
  There is dark for us.
  
  
  You're welcome.
  
  .

A Letter To You...

**I wrote this letter for someone that I care about when I saw him sinking into the dark. It was about a year ago. I re read this from time to time to remind myself of the hope that is buried deep down inside of me. The hope that only shows it's face when someone else needs it.** Dear ***, I have seen the sad, the deep, dark, sad all around you for quite a while. I'm sorry I didn't say anything or try to help you. Sometimes I second guess myself or am afraid that I will offend someone so I don't say anything. I wish I had with you. I realize it may not have done any good, but I am all too familiar with feeling alone and hurt because nobody around me has noticed how sad I am.  I truly understand what you're feeling.  I may not know the why's about that darkness all around you, but I know how it feels. Obviously I know our issues/demons/chemical imbalances are different, but the hurt is still the same. The empty, hopeless feeling of wondering WHY ME and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE, that struggle to get out of bed, to put on whatever mask you need to wear that day to hide from the world how you really feel, get on the stage and put on the show for the truly living...this is all a daily battle for me. And, it is slowly killing me and every bit of joy in my soul. I, maybe as opposed to you, had resigned to this fact in my life. I had just accepted it as a part of me. I didn't do this consciously and only recently realized this was happening. I don't have any thoughts of suicide. I feel that it's a selfish thing to do and I guess I love my family and friends SO much that I am willing to be miserable, but alive, for them. How selfless, huh? HOW STUPID.  But, I have been there. That dark place. The one that hurts so bad it seems the only option is death. How can one live feeling THAT bad? All you want is the pain to go away. And no amount of friends, advice, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, sleep, work...will help even the slightest bit. It's FUCKED up. And, I am so very sorry that you have been in that place. I hate knowing anyone has to feel that. It's a fate far worse than death. Well, I'm sitting here typing this to you to tell you that the dark eventually and gradually gets lighter. It does. But, it's not easy. And, you have to ask for help. You have to talk. You have to reach out. I don't believe it can be done alone. And you have to try and see the specs of light throughout your day, they are there...but the eyes of someone depressed has a hard time seeing them. Be open to the idea of those glimmers of hope and they will appear.  Sometimes, for me, I had (and still have) to force myself to find something that makes it all worth it.  As corny as this may seem...a long, deep, breath of fresh morning air, a butterfly, my cats, the melodious and happy sound of birds chirping at dawn. Listening to the one song that no matter how bad it is, can always make me smile.  Those are some of my go to's when I need that pick me up and reminder of how amazing it is to be alive. I still may not get out of bed all day. But, for that moment...I feel at peace. Promise me that you will find your go to's.  And, trust me that I know of what I speak. Do not, under any circumstances give up.  You can't.  If I haven't, you are not allowed.  And, I have been struggling with this illness for 20 years. I never thought it would be this bad again. I thought I had won that war. I was wrong. It's been slowly working it's way back in over the last year. And now, I can say in all honesty that I am very very sad and very scared that it could get as bad as it did before I left LA. I kept it under wraps for the most part this past year, the fact that I am unable to hide it anymore, that I am angry and mean to the people I love. That I am jealous and hate people around me for being happy and having fun. Those are the feelings that make me feel even worse. Mix that with my depression and I could be pulled back into the pitch black darkness.  One of my deepest fears.  And, I am going to fight it with everything I have.  And, I have come to accept that this is going to be a life long battle and that even with proper medication it can come back at any time. It's a fucked up situation. And, I may get really bad. Withdraw even more. Push more people away. Be alone. Dwell in the sadness. Do what depressed and hopeless people do.  But, I will NEVER let it win.  I'll take the punches and stay down as long as I want or need to. But, I will ALWAYS get back up. Even knowing that another hit is going to come eventually.  Please, find that fight inside of you. I know it's there. Even if you don't.  And on those days when you need me to remind you or help you find that spark...you call me or text me. Reach out to me and I will do whatever I can to get you through it.  Despite what you believe and what you've subconsciously been doing to isolate yourself, you're not alone. You don't have to be. Make the choice NOT to be. Because the truth is, that is entirely up to you. There are people in your life that would weep knowing you feel alone. They would do anything to help you.  Let them.  This is something I am trying to teach myself to do. It's hard. It's easier to just hide away. Not bother anyone or burden them. I am the master of shutting out the entire world, feeling totally alone and unworthy of anybody caring enough to help me. The truth is, I'm creating that reality for myself. What kind of sadist am I? The kind that has been in denial about my role in it all. I am finally seeing that and am working VERY hard to stop this cycle. I must make one point on this that is also important. Some people you go to may let you down. Don't decide that everyone will. You never know what they're dealing with in their lives. Some people can't handle it and don't know what to do, so they bail. Don't decide that they're bad friends. Not all of them are. Give them and yourself time. And if the opportunity arises, ask them why. I'd bet they're answer won't be what you thought it would. Just try not to expect people to react the way you think they should. Most of the time, they don't. And all that does is set you up for a let down. Reach out and give people the chance to figure out how to be there for you. I've found that most people don't understand these kind of sads. They find it weak. They say "sack up". They think it's just an excuse you use to make your behavior ok. People fear the unknown. Don't try too hard to make them understand what you're going through. Those who haven't experienced it never will understand. But, the people who genuinely care will hold your hand, be by your side as you walk down this path and will say "i may not understand what you're feeling, but I will do whatever I can to help you get through this."  I know you have many people around you that would feel that way.  I don't know all the specifics about your situation or if you've reached out to many people or not. I don't assume to know everything right to do for you. But, I care about you and if by sharing how I struggle and deal can help you in any way...well, then I've found one more little spec of light. One more bit of love for you that I MUST say and then this ridiculously long (although, quite therapeutic even for me) letter of love will be done. Thanks for sticking with me here. Clearly I needed to say these things as much as you might need to hear them.  I digress. I am very happy for you that you are moving, getting out of ones comfort zone is a great adventure and I have always recommended it to people. It's exciting and challenging and new. You get the chance to find out who you are, how well you stand on your own two feet without the comfort of the familiar. I am hoping that the girl in Palm Springs can be a part of your healing. I hope she will hold your hand and help you find those beautiful specs of light in your life. And, I am happy for you if you are truly happy with her. But. It is not just a cliche when people say that you can move around all you want, try to leave your demons behind...take your physical body away from the people and places that hurt your soul...run from it all and try to forget...but, no matter where you go, you can NEVER get away from yourself. The demons follow. The hurt returns. I promise you that if you are moving away because you think it will make things better, if even a little bit better, you are wrong. If you are running to this girl because her arms are open and she is providing you with the tenderness, attention and compassion that you desperately want in your life but aren't finding here...if you are going to her because you are lonely, because you are so tired of being alone, because you don't want to end up alone and not because you truly love her...truly love HER, not just the idea of having someone in your life...this will blow up in your face with such a magnitude that what you're going through now will seem like a day at Disneyland.  You can't run from your problems. You also can't (secretly) hope that someone can just fix you. Don't allow yourself to believe that you'll move over there and POOF, sadness gone. All better. It's a temporary fix if you haven't dealt with whatever is hurting you. Facing up to regrets, missed opportunities for love and happiness, a badly broken heart, family issues, friends letting you down...looking at those things, taking responsibility for any role you may have played, apologizing, accepting apologies, forgiving yourself for the mistakes you carry around as regret...those are the things that will truly heal you. It's not easy. I'm finally beginning this process and it's fucking hard and it hurts and it has been, at times, humiliating. Extending that branch to people I've hurt or let down is scary because I never know how it will be received. And, I have lost some friends in my travel down the severe depression road. They just couldn't take it anymore. I hurt over them so much, but I am working on forgiving myself and respecting that they made the choice to not be in my life anymore. And, these are friends that I NEVER thought wouldn't be in my life. Even knowing that I may lose other friends is not going to stop me from going through this process. Maybe other people don't want to forgive me, but I am doing everything I can in my power to allow myself to accept my own forgiveness. It's hard. I struggle with feeling like I deserve this. But, I don't. And the more I remind myself that I don't deserve it, eventually it will sink in. I miss those friends so much sometimes I can't breathe. I cry and ask how could they just bail on me? Why didn't they try to understand that I truly had no control over myself. My depression was so strong that I did bad things, I let people down all the time, over and over, I lied and avoided and hurt people...and all the time this was happening, I knew it was happening, but I had no ability to stop it. None. I wanted to be the friend I once was. I wanted to be reliable, to be there when I said I would, to stop lying in an effort to cover up how fucked up my life had become. I just kept digging this hole. The depression just kept on digging. I never meant to hurt anyone. Why can't they get that? Why don't they believe me?  This hurts me to my core.  And there's nothing I can do about it but forgive myself. That is still a work in progress. But, I won't give up. And again, you can't either. I imagine that this has been a lot for you to read. And, I hope that some of the things I've said you can relate to and maybe learn from my experiences. I must thank you for letting me express all of this to you. I realize a lot of it was me me me, that is in part because I need to let this out sometimes and in part because I am hoping that in sharing my struggles, you will find a confidant in me and you will reach out to me whenever you need someone who has walked down that same long, dark, fucked up, lonely road and won't think you're crazy or weak for how you feel. Please please please if you take nothing else from this novel I've written... PLEASE take this - YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE, DO NOT MAKE THAT CHOICE. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH, LOVE AND TRUST YOUR FRIENDS ENOUGH TO ASK THEM TO JUST BE THERE FOR YOU AND HELP IF THEY CAN. It makes a huge difference when you stop making yourself be alone and you allow people in. Makes the days feel just a little less lonely even if you never do call on them for help.  Just knowing even one person cares if you live or die...just one who cares if you're home crying in your room feeling helpless, who would WANT to be at your side just so you aren't alone, even if they don't say one word...knowing that there is someone in your life like that can make a huge difference. You are worthy and deserving of people like that in your life. I am absolutely one of them. And, I know I don't stand alone on that.  Please think about this moving thing and your motivations behind it. Think about what you are hoping will happen when you move. What expectations are there? And, be sure that you truly care for this girl and that she truly cares for you. I don't want to see you running from your sadness only to run right back into it so hard it knocks you down for a lot longer.  I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries having written this to you. And, I hope you know I'm not trying to preach to you or tell you what is right for you and your life. Whatever life choices you make, I am your friend and I will always be rooting you on!! I also hope that I didn't just go off like this and I'm so completely wrong about your situation that I just seem foolish.  Thank you for accidentally giving me some therapy today. I'm sorry you kinda got stuck having to read my process of healing. LOL. Know that I got you and I am sending you positive vibes.  Text me your number whenever you get a chance. My phone broke and I lost all my numbers. Have a fucking fantastic fucking stupid day. I know I am.  Now, go outside and take a big deep breath of fresh air in and feel that you are alive. Even just for a moment. That's what I'm going to do...right now. ~Tiffany

I Gave Too Much

I've learned a valuable lesson.
Something, maybe, I should've learned many years ago.

Never, ever.
NEVER, EVER.
Put all of your heart and soul into something
that doesn't belong to you.

The Inside of Me

I stood on a stage

under hot lights

telling a room full of strangers how I had lost the love of the my life.

How I never had a boyfriend

Or a girlfriend

who was worth 

much

How lost I felt.

As I walked off that stage she told me how hot my ass looked in these jeans.

Thanks

I guess

But, if all I got is ass then I'm on the wrong kind of stage....

but, I got more than ass, right?

I got a "real pretty face, too"

At least that's what the men tell me as I walk fast passed them down the street

which is usually followed up by "it'd be even prettier if you'd smile"

but, I don't

encourage them

which is always followed up by 

"stuck up bitch"

So

I got a nice ass

and  real pretty face

and what else do I got?

Oh...

BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!

At 18 I sat coiled up in a boyfriends lap

chemically tinted permed curls curled around his fingers as my head snapped back

"Cut it off, and we're over."

So, I got a nice ass and a real pretty face and beautiful hair and what else do I got?

Um...

a bum told me the other day that I needed more tits

So, I guess I don't got that.

But, I got something.

I've got something.

I've got something to prove!

I've gotta prove that I'm more than just ass and hair and tits and smiles because it's all gonna go away someday

and since it's the only thing people ever tell me I'm good for most of the time

I'm terrified for the day that it does.

-back to the mirror

eye lash curler

-back to the mirror

looking for oversized pores and lines around my eyes to keep the telling me that I'm beautiful.

Even though I hate it.

Except for on the days that I love it.

And the fact is sometimes I just want to walk home without having to talk to anyone...

but, I notice when they don't say it

and I wonder

why?

-back to the mirror

night cream

-back to the mirror

staring until my face becomes an alien and I'm thinking "I wonder if it all reflects what's going on inside? But, at least I got my car fixed for free, right?'

Because PRETTY is a tool and you can use it to get what you want

which kinda makes it a weapon.

But, the thing about weapons is they can be taken away from people and used against them.

-back to the mirror

I hear their mothers voices over and over again

"the ugly duckling becomes the swan...but, not if she doesn't remember to hold her tummy in."

I was the shortest in every grade

My imperfections

On display

I had thick thighs while girls my age ran on flower stock limbs.

I hid in the bathroom at recess from the mean kids pretending to agree

I hid

and I vowed

That one day "I" would be pretty and popular.

One day some boy would pass ME a note saying "will you go out with me? circle one: yes or no"

So, I threw up all through high school

I permed, colored and straightened my hair

and at 18 someone finally said "YOU SHOULD BE A MODEL."

and I felt

more worthless than ever.

A boyfriend once told me that the best kind of girlfriend is a hot chick who used to be an ugly girl.

He said it was because they get all smart and funny to compensate for never being pretty.

He said.

This was the case with me.

Pretty isn't mine.

It is owned and bestowed by the world.

And one day...everyone around me decided when I "became pretty"

But, I will ALWAYS be that girl

hiding in the bathroom

waiting

for everyone to realize

That I'm not.

~Tiffany

Inside The Mind of Depression and Anxiety

Why me? 

What did I do to deserve this? 

Why can't I make this feeling go away? 

Why?

Me?

I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Even if they had done horrible things to me. Nobody deserves to feel like this. Nobody. So, why do I? Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed. Half the time, I lose that struggle and give in. I just close my eyes and go back to sleep. Stay inside where it's dark and safe. Where nobody can judge me and make fun of me. Where nobody can call me crazy or say it's an excuse and it's not a real disability. My dreams are far better than this reality.

I'm sad. I'm hopeless. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm lost. 

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to waste the life that has been gifted to me. I don't want to miss out on important events in the lives of those I love. I don't want to feel tired even after sleeping for 48 hours. I don't want to be a joke or the person everyone feels sorry for. Pity is the last thing I need or want. 

Understanding would be nice. 

Therapy and medication that actually works like it's supposed to would be even better. Medication and therapy that I could afford might make things easier. Not being a lab rat for a doctor to test drug after drug after drug on only to have minimal success for a few months and then crash into the wall of depression and anxiety so hard it shakes my entire world. And on to the next drug. Let's see if this works. They all work, at first. And then I mind fuck myself into believing and wanting SO bad for it to still be working that when I realize I'm sinking again...it's too late.

I've lost a friend.

I've lost a love.

I've lost a job.

I've lost control.

When does it end? 

It's the most vicious circle. Frustration doesn't begin to describe this. 

So, I keep trying and fighting and being the lab rat. I keep losing and explaining and hoping the people around me will love me enough to try and understand. I pray I won't lose another friend or job because I can't control this sadness. I pray I won't end up doped up in some institution just a heartbeat with dead eyes and drool falling from my face. How long can I keep fighting before I just resign to that existence? Maybe that'd be better for everyone. It's not like I'm living anyway and I'm just a burden to people anyway. Right?

Sometimes, the dark rolls in like thick clouds and I can almost literally feel it envelope my body. Sometimes, I can fight it off. Nobody ever seems to be around when I do that. They're only around when I can't.

And they never seem to give me the feeling they believe me when I say I WANT to fight. That I DON'T want to be this way. I DON'T want pity and I'm not using this as some excuse to be lazy or fuck up. I'd much rather fuck up knowingly, at least then I can own up to it. It seems the words "I don't know. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry" cross my lips more often than not.

And it sucks.

And then they're times when the depression turns into anxiety...or triggers anxiety...or maybe the anxiety attack is so severe that I just forget about the depression all together.

Being sad sucks ass.

Losing control of your body is MUCH worse.

All of a sudden, for whatever reason...and sometimes, for other people, no reason at all...it feels like everything is closing in. My heart is racing, I'm sweating, my entire body is shaking and I'm gasping...praying...trying as hard as I can just to get some air in my lungs. When it's really REALLY bad, my hands close and cramp up and I can't feel my fingers and I can't open my hand...and then my feet do the same. All I want is for it to stop, but I can't make it stop and that makes me panic more and so begins the cycle of a panic/anxiety attack. Add all that to having this sort of "episode" in front of people and it's literally like a living nightmare. Loss of control, fear, embarrassment, gasping for air, begging your heart to slow down...can you imagine this?

I don't have to.

And I hate it.

I hate that this is happening to me. I hate that people think it's funny or call me crazy. I hate that people think it's all for attention. I hate that my life isn't worth living sometimes because what's the point? Depression and anxiety keep winning. It's like they want me to end up penniless and completely alone. But why? WHY??? 

Seriously. Why?

I don't want to worry anyone. I never meant for this to happen and I certainly never asked for it. My one wish would be to never have this disability. To never have to take medication. To never have lost friends or loves or amazing opportunities. To never again have someone refer to me as "not normal" while looking at me like I'm a fucking leper. 

That stupid commercial that says "depression hurts" pisses me off so much because it's true. Some physically hurt from this. Some hurt from the loneliness and feeling of being misunderstood. Either way. That fucking commercial is right. It hurts. Nobody would choose this. Nobody.

NOBODY.

I hope this next round of new treatments will finally be the RIGHT one! I want it so bad. And, as much as this dark wants me to quit fighting...I never will. Never. Because I refuse to believe that God wants me to be miserable, frightened and alone for the rest of my life. So, I'll try what they give me. I'll ask people to pull me out of bed. I'll swallow what pride I have and take it that other people are thinking I'm irresponsible and flakey and unreliable and drama and a disappointment, etc...because I do get it that unless you suffer from this, it's hard to believe. I'll continue to be all of those things in their eyes all the while wishing they were in my corner...and I'll keep trying. 

Because someday, I just know that I'll prove them wrong.

If I can just get out of bed.