Chapter One

• As Yet, Untitled:
  
  Is there such a thing as "once upon a time"? 
  Fairy tales. 
  Nothing more or less than bullshit fluff fed to little girls only to make them feel so much less than as they age. A white horse? A regal man who fights for a girl he's never even met? What a bunch of fucked up lies we're told from the day we're born. To say I'm disgusted and disappointed is putting it mildly.
  Somehow I managed to have a mother who didn't feed me a bunch of lies and bullshit about love and life and how to manage getting through it all. She had no answers. She only had her own truths. Her own failures. Her own heartbreak. The reality of it all. How truly fucked up it is.
  Fuck the white horse. 
  Fuck the nonsense of thinking someone is going to come along, swoop you up, take you for everything you are, and EVERYTHING you're not, and still want to rescue you. 
  My mom figured out that being rescued isn't the answer. 
  She taught me this. 
  Sometimes I blame her for the reality of my love life. Or, the lack of any love life. 
  She told me that I didn't need ANYONE to define me. Nobody could rescue me. Not even me. She made sure I understood that I was at noones beck and call. I was nobodys consolation prize. NOBODYS AFTERTHOUGHT. She always made me believe that EVERY woman was worth so much more than being a servant. A sex toy. A cook. A maid. An incubator only alive to provide a man with validation of his "manhood" by providing children.
  Yep. I definitely blame her for the fact that I'm 38 and still single.
  Something about me always makes them leave.
  Or is it that they just aren't man enough to stick it out?
  I genuinely believe it's a 50/50 split. Right down the middle.
  I am no prize.
  
  *
  I am of the acceptance (or defense) that I am not meant for the "happily ever after". I accept that this is a fact even if I somehow end up growing old with someone. The true feeling of "happy" doesn't really exist in my world. As there is black for white, yin for yang, stop for go...happy NEVER comes without a price. Never.
  Ever.
  Sure sure, I'm having a pity party. Poor, poor, me. Well, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck you for looking down your nose at me for my self pity. It's MY life. My disappointments. MY fight with God. MINE! Just because you never invite anyone to your pity party doesn't mean you aren't having one daily. Noone is immune.
  At least I'm honest about it.
  Is it wrong of me to think that I am not meant for that happiness? Am I just making a very, very sad attempt at self preservation? Or, am I on to something? Have I actually figured it out? My purpose? My path in this lifetime. What I'm here to do. What I'm here NOT to do? Maybe I've ticked off the Universe because I actually get it and I'm not going to put up a fight. Maybe my indifference to this whole thing is fucking up some sort of cosmic plan. 
  
  
  I'd love to know that my actions, or lack thereof, has somehow fucked up all sorts of shit that was "meant" to go down.
  
  ***
  
  Fuck those people.
  Walking around all stupid and happy.
  Oh, what I'd give to be one of them.
  I never have been.
  Not one day in this lifetime.
  Fuck them.
  These pieces of shit that take up space, energy, water, air, MY time. If they had even the slightest glimpse of what I know, what I see...
  they'd jump.
  Fucking wastes.
  They'd jump in a fucking second.
  I'm disgusted on a daily basis at my surroundings.
  Sure, I'm depressed.
  Yup, I'm all kinds of fucked up. Even more so than I EVER imagined. But, at least I know it. I almost wear it proudly.
  But, these stupid fucks. These fucking ugly, fake, empty people that I have to see every day...they're too stupid to even remotely acknowledge the ground upon which they walk, much less actually take a look in the mirror and see who they REALLY are.
  Fucking stupid happy people.
  I hate them.
  All of them.
  
  I wish for just one day, they'd all just sink into the abyss of reality. See how miserable they really are. Become one with the dark cloud that hovers over them. HATE themselves as much as I HATE them.
  
  And I do.
  
  Fuck them.
  
  Non deserving, selfish, stupid fucking happy people.
  
  Ugh.
  
  Just fuck off and go away.
  
  Leave this existence to us.
  
  The sad. The tortured. The angry. The abused. The lonely. The misfits. The poets. The lost. Those of us who haven't figured out why it is this way for us. Those of us who will never stop fighting for the answer. Those of us who know that the answer we seek, in truth will only make it worse.
  
  
  Let US take charge!!
  
  I guarantee all the drones out there would see colors they never dreamed. They'd see the ugly truth, but then they'd have to see every beautiful lie as well. We'd decorate the world in the most beautiful reality. Fear would not exist. Insecurity would be only a word we studied, but never truly understood. Jealousy, envy, greed, hate...Nobody would hide from it. We'd wear our shit like jewelry.
  We'd stab you in the front while handing you a martini on a warm, white, sandy beach.
  Because that's OUR reality.
  Dark and Light.
  Love and Hate.
  
  But you stupid, happy, fucks couldn't handle that. No bathroom to run and hide in. No amount of drug or alcohol to mask it. Run run run...right back into that brick wall...try as you might to avoid it...run run run...you'll never outrun that brick wall.
  This is OUR truth.
  This is the reality going on all around you. 
  This is how we live and how we breathe and how we function....
  living in a world only WE can truly see.
  And no matter what we do, what we try, how we distract, or who we educate...
  NOTHING MAKES IT GO AWAY.
  
  
  As there is light for you.
  There is dark for us.
  
  
  You're welcome.
  
  .