The Inside of Me

I stood on a stage

under hot lights

telling a room full of strangers how I had lost the love of the my life.

How I never had a boyfriend

Or a girlfriend

who was worth 

much

How lost I felt.

As I walked off that stage she told me how hot my ass looked in these jeans.

Thanks

I guess

But, if all I got is ass then I'm on the wrong kind of stage....

but, I got more than ass, right?

I got a "real pretty face, too"

At least that's what the men tell me as I walk fast passed them down the street

which is usually followed up by "it'd be even prettier if you'd smile"

but, I don't

encourage them

which is always followed up by 

"stuck up bitch"

So

I got a nice ass

and  real pretty face

and what else do I got?

Oh...

BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!

At 18 I sat coiled up in a boyfriends lap

chemically tinted permed curls curled around his fingers as my head snapped back

"Cut it off, and we're over."

So, I got a nice ass and a real pretty face and beautiful hair and what else do I got?

Um...

a bum told me the other day that I needed more tits

So, I guess I don't got that.

But, I got something.

I've got something.

I've got something to prove!

I've gotta prove that I'm more than just ass and hair and tits and smiles because it's all gonna go away someday

and since it's the only thing people ever tell me I'm good for most of the time

I'm terrified for the day that it does.

-back to the mirror

eye lash curler

-back to the mirror

looking for oversized pores and lines around my eyes to keep the telling me that I'm beautiful.

Even though I hate it.

Except for on the days that I love it.

And the fact is sometimes I just want to walk home without having to talk to anyone...

but, I notice when they don't say it

and I wonder

why?

-back to the mirror

night cream

-back to the mirror

staring until my face becomes an alien and I'm thinking "I wonder if it all reflects what's going on inside? But, at least I got my car fixed for free, right?'

Because PRETTY is a tool and you can use it to get what you want

which kinda makes it a weapon.

But, the thing about weapons is they can be taken away from people and used against them.

-back to the mirror

I hear their mothers voices over and over again

"the ugly duckling becomes the swan...but, not if she doesn't remember to hold her tummy in."

I was the shortest in every grade

My imperfections

On display

I had thick thighs while girls my age ran on flower stock limbs.

I hid in the bathroom at recess from the mean kids pretending to agree

I hid

and I vowed

That one day "I" would be pretty and popular.

One day some boy would pass ME a note saying "will you go out with me? circle one: yes or no"

So, I threw up all through high school

I permed, colored and straightened my hair

and at 18 someone finally said "YOU SHOULD BE A MODEL."

and I felt

more worthless than ever.

A boyfriend once told me that the best kind of girlfriend is a hot chick who used to be an ugly girl.

He said it was because they get all smart and funny to compensate for never being pretty.

He said.

This was the case with me.

Pretty isn't mine.

It is owned and bestowed by the world.

And one day...everyone around me decided when I "became pretty"

But, I will ALWAYS be that girl

hiding in the bathroom

waiting

for everyone to realize

That I'm not.

~Tiffany