A Letter To You...

**I wrote this letter for someone that I care about when I saw him sinking into the dark. It was about a year ago. I re read this from time to time to remind myself of the hope that is buried deep down inside of me. The hope that only shows it's face when someone else needs it.** Dear ***, I have seen the sad, the deep, dark, sad all around you for quite a while. I'm sorry I didn't say anything or try to help you. Sometimes I second guess myself or am afraid that I will offend someone so I don't say anything. I wish I had with you. I realize it may not have done any good, but I am all too familiar with feeling alone and hurt because nobody around me has noticed how sad I am.  I truly understand what you're feeling.  I may not know the why's about that darkness all around you, but I know how it feels. Obviously I know our issues/demons/chemical imbalances are different, but the hurt is still the same. The empty, hopeless feeling of wondering WHY ME and I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE, that struggle to get out of bed, to put on whatever mask you need to wear that day to hide from the world how you really feel, get on the stage and put on the show for the truly living...this is all a daily battle for me. And, it is slowly killing me and every bit of joy in my soul. I, maybe as opposed to you, had resigned to this fact in my life. I had just accepted it as a part of me. I didn't do this consciously and only recently realized this was happening. I don't have any thoughts of suicide. I feel that it's a selfish thing to do and I guess I love my family and friends SO much that I am willing to be miserable, but alive, for them. How selfless, huh? HOW STUPID.  But, I have been there. That dark place. The one that hurts so bad it seems the only option is death. How can one live feeling THAT bad? All you want is the pain to go away. And no amount of friends, advice, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, sleep, work...will help even the slightest bit. It's FUCKED up. And, I am so very sorry that you have been in that place. I hate knowing anyone has to feel that. It's a fate far worse than death. Well, I'm sitting here typing this to you to tell you that the dark eventually and gradually gets lighter. It does. But, it's not easy. And, you have to ask for help. You have to talk. You have to reach out. I don't believe it can be done alone. And you have to try and see the specs of light throughout your day, they are there...but the eyes of someone depressed has a hard time seeing them. Be open to the idea of those glimmers of hope and they will appear.  Sometimes, for me, I had (and still have) to force myself to find something that makes it all worth it.  As corny as this may seem...a long, deep, breath of fresh morning air, a butterfly, my cats, the melodious and happy sound of birds chirping at dawn. Listening to the one song that no matter how bad it is, can always make me smile.  Those are some of my go to's when I need that pick me up and reminder of how amazing it is to be alive. I still may not get out of bed all day. But, for that moment...I feel at peace. Promise me that you will find your go to's.  And, trust me that I know of what I speak. Do not, under any circumstances give up.  You can't.  If I haven't, you are not allowed.  And, I have been struggling with this illness for 20 years. I never thought it would be this bad again. I thought I had won that war. I was wrong. It's been slowly working it's way back in over the last year. And now, I can say in all honesty that I am very very sad and very scared that it could get as bad as it did before I left LA. I kept it under wraps for the most part this past year, the fact that I am unable to hide it anymore, that I am angry and mean to the people I love. That I am jealous and hate people around me for being happy and having fun. Those are the feelings that make me feel even worse. Mix that with my depression and I could be pulled back into the pitch black darkness.  One of my deepest fears.  And, I am going to fight it with everything I have.  And, I have come to accept that this is going to be a life long battle and that even with proper medication it can come back at any time. It's a fucked up situation. And, I may get really bad. Withdraw even more. Push more people away. Be alone. Dwell in the sadness. Do what depressed and hopeless people do.  But, I will NEVER let it win.  I'll take the punches and stay down as long as I want or need to. But, I will ALWAYS get back up. Even knowing that another hit is going to come eventually.  Please, find that fight inside of you. I know it's there. Even if you don't.  And on those days when you need me to remind you or help you find that spark...you call me or text me. Reach out to me and I will do whatever I can to get you through it.  Despite what you believe and what you've subconsciously been doing to isolate yourself, you're not alone. You don't have to be. Make the choice NOT to be. Because the truth is, that is entirely up to you. There are people in your life that would weep knowing you feel alone. They would do anything to help you.  Let them.  This is something I am trying to teach myself to do. It's hard. It's easier to just hide away. Not bother anyone or burden them. I am the master of shutting out the entire world, feeling totally alone and unworthy of anybody caring enough to help me. The truth is, I'm creating that reality for myself. What kind of sadist am I? The kind that has been in denial about my role in it all. I am finally seeing that and am working VERY hard to stop this cycle. I must make one point on this that is also important. Some people you go to may let you down. Don't decide that everyone will. You never know what they're dealing with in their lives. Some people can't handle it and don't know what to do, so they bail. Don't decide that they're bad friends. Not all of them are. Give them and yourself time. And if the opportunity arises, ask them why. I'd bet they're answer won't be what you thought it would. Just try not to expect people to react the way you think they should. Most of the time, they don't. And all that does is set you up for a let down. Reach out and give people the chance to figure out how to be there for you. I've found that most people don't understand these kind of sads. They find it weak. They say "sack up". They think it's just an excuse you use to make your behavior ok. People fear the unknown. Don't try too hard to make them understand what you're going through. Those who haven't experienced it never will understand. But, the people who genuinely care will hold your hand, be by your side as you walk down this path and will say "i may not understand what you're feeling, but I will do whatever I can to help you get through this."  I know you have many people around you that would feel that way.  I don't know all the specifics about your situation or if you've reached out to many people or not. I don't assume to know everything right to do for you. But, I care about you and if by sharing how I struggle and deal can help you in any way...well, then I've found one more little spec of light. One more bit of love for you that I MUST say and then this ridiculously long (although, quite therapeutic even for me) letter of love will be done. Thanks for sticking with me here. Clearly I needed to say these things as much as you might need to hear them.  I digress. I am very happy for you that you are moving, getting out of ones comfort zone is a great adventure and I have always recommended it to people. It's exciting and challenging and new. You get the chance to find out who you are, how well you stand on your own two feet without the comfort of the familiar. I am hoping that the girl in Palm Springs can be a part of your healing. I hope she will hold your hand and help you find those beautiful specs of light in your life. And, I am happy for you if you are truly happy with her. But. It is not just a cliche when people say that you can move around all you want, try to leave your demons behind...take your physical body away from the people and places that hurt your soul...run from it all and try to forget...but, no matter where you go, you can NEVER get away from yourself. The demons follow. The hurt returns. I promise you that if you are moving away because you think it will make things better, if even a little bit better, you are wrong. If you are running to this girl because her arms are open and she is providing you with the tenderness, attention and compassion that you desperately want in your life but aren't finding here...if you are going to her because you are lonely, because you are so tired of being alone, because you don't want to end up alone and not because you truly love her...truly love HER, not just the idea of having someone in your life...this will blow up in your face with such a magnitude that what you're going through now will seem like a day at Disneyland.  You can't run from your problems. You also can't (secretly) hope that someone can just fix you. Don't allow yourself to believe that you'll move over there and POOF, sadness gone. All better. It's a temporary fix if you haven't dealt with whatever is hurting you. Facing up to regrets, missed opportunities for love and happiness, a badly broken heart, family issues, friends letting you down...looking at those things, taking responsibility for any role you may have played, apologizing, accepting apologies, forgiving yourself for the mistakes you carry around as regret...those are the things that will truly heal you. It's not easy. I'm finally beginning this process and it's fucking hard and it hurts and it has been, at times, humiliating. Extending that branch to people I've hurt or let down is scary because I never know how it will be received. And, I have lost some friends in my travel down the severe depression road. They just couldn't take it anymore. I hurt over them so much, but I am working on forgiving myself and respecting that they made the choice to not be in my life anymore. And, these are friends that I NEVER thought wouldn't be in my life. Even knowing that I may lose other friends is not going to stop me from going through this process. Maybe other people don't want to forgive me, but I am doing everything I can in my power to allow myself to accept my own forgiveness. It's hard. I struggle with feeling like I deserve this. But, I don't. And the more I remind myself that I don't deserve it, eventually it will sink in. I miss those friends so much sometimes I can't breathe. I cry and ask how could they just bail on me? Why didn't they try to understand that I truly had no control over myself. My depression was so strong that I did bad things, I let people down all the time, over and over, I lied and avoided and hurt people...and all the time this was happening, I knew it was happening, but I had no ability to stop it. None. I wanted to be the friend I once was. I wanted to be reliable, to be there when I said I would, to stop lying in an effort to cover up how fucked up my life had become. I just kept digging this hole. The depression just kept on digging. I never meant to hurt anyone. Why can't they get that? Why don't they believe me?  This hurts me to my core.  And there's nothing I can do about it but forgive myself. That is still a work in progress. But, I won't give up. And again, you can't either. I imagine that this has been a lot for you to read. And, I hope that some of the things I've said you can relate to and maybe learn from my experiences. I must thank you for letting me express all of this to you. I realize a lot of it was me me me, that is in part because I need to let this out sometimes and in part because I am hoping that in sharing my struggles, you will find a confidant in me and you will reach out to me whenever you need someone who has walked down that same long, dark, fucked up, lonely road and won't think you're crazy or weak for how you feel. Please please please if you take nothing else from this novel I've written... PLEASE take this - YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO THROUGH THIS ALONE, DO NOT MAKE THAT CHOICE. LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH, LOVE AND TRUST YOUR FRIENDS ENOUGH TO ASK THEM TO JUST BE THERE FOR YOU AND HELP IF THEY CAN. It makes a huge difference when you stop making yourself be alone and you allow people in. Makes the days feel just a little less lonely even if you never do call on them for help.  Just knowing even one person cares if you live or die...just one who cares if you're home crying in your room feeling helpless, who would WANT to be at your side just so you aren't alone, even if they don't say one word...knowing that there is someone in your life like that can make a huge difference. You are worthy and deserving of people like that in your life. I am absolutely one of them. And, I know I don't stand alone on that.  Please think about this moving thing and your motivations behind it. Think about what you are hoping will happen when you move. What expectations are there? And, be sure that you truly care for this girl and that she truly cares for you. I don't want to see you running from your sadness only to run right back into it so hard it knocks you down for a lot longer.  I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries having written this to you. And, I hope you know I'm not trying to preach to you or tell you what is right for you and your life. Whatever life choices you make, I am your friend and I will always be rooting you on!! I also hope that I didn't just go off like this and I'm so completely wrong about your situation that I just seem foolish.  Thank you for accidentally giving me some therapy today. I'm sorry you kinda got stuck having to read my process of healing. LOL. Know that I got you and I am sending you positive vibes.  Text me your number whenever you get a chance. My phone broke and I lost all my numbers. Have a fucking fantastic fucking stupid day. I know I am.  Now, go outside and take a big deep breath of fresh air in and feel that you are alive. Even just for a moment. That's what I'm going to do...right now. ~Tiffany